My letter to Adam...

I miss

1. How I would squeeze his hand three times to say "I love you" without having to say anything at all
2. The way he would rub my skin that way I loved
3. How I would give him a million tiny butterfly kisses all over his face
4. How I used to lay my ear to his chest to listen to his heart beat
5. Watching him play with Sadie
6. The way he would kiss me on the forehead
7. Thanksgiving (November 23, 2006)
8. The way he would mess up my hair
9. The way he would take care of me when my blood sugar was low
10. The smell of his room
11. Resting my head in the place where his shoulder curved into his chest
12. Seeing his smile when we got to see each other after a long time apart
13. Talking on the phone almost every night
14. How I would rub his scalp and neck the way he liked
15. Kissing his stubbly chin
16. Marveling at the difference between our skin colors
17. Lying in bed next to him
18. When he would burn CDs for me
19. Falling asleep in his arms and waking up to find our bodies tangled together
20. Standing tippy-toed on the tops of his steel-toed boots to give him a kiss
21. Feeling his arms wrap around me and pressing my face into his chest
22. When we didn't have to talk at all because our silence was comfortable
23. Snuggling together under the bed covers when I was cold
24. Closing my eyes right before we would kiss
25. St. Patrick’s Day 2007
26. Always trying to impress him
27. Holding hands while he drove
28. Feeling his hands on my waist
29. Feeling his hands anywhere on my body
30. Worrying about him
31. Wearing his big hoodies
32. How I would straddle him in bed while we had a normal conversation
33. Listening to his voice, watching him as he spoke passionately about something
34. Arguing with him about certain topics
35. Laughing when I got too angry
36. The way I'd rest my leg on top of his when I'd lay beside him
37. The time he came to see my tiny, five-minute performance in the musical
38. Reminding him to be nice
39. When he played the piano for me
40. Finally hugging him after an hour and a half of driving and two weeks of being apart
41. When he would ask me to sing for him but I was too shy
42. Sleeping on his tiny dorm room bed
43. Running my hands all up and down his bare chest
44. The way he'd complain that I hogged the covers
45. Watching the Discovery channel together
46. Our trip to Wal-Mart to buy ingredients to make chicken quesadillas
47. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
48. How he would drive my car when I was too tired
49. When he would tell me I looked beautiful
50. Our first kiss on my couch
51. When I could tell him he was a jerk to everyone except me
52. Sending him a naughty picture of myself over the phone
53. The time we spread sleeping bags on my floor so we could lay together
54. The way he would gently kiss my neck
55. Spending an hour trying to choose a movie at Hollywood Video
56. When he told me he wanted to "show me off" to his rugby friends
57. Eating Lucky Charms at the kitchen table and playing the game on the back of the box
58. Seeing him dressed up in a tuxedo
59. His Jeep with the broken door
60. The parking lot of Landmark Church
61. Kissing his clean-shaven chin
62. CollegeHumor.com
63. Scrubs
64. Taking stupid goofy pictures together
65. The way he gave me goose bumps
66. When he got a ticket while driving my car
67. The way I'd put up the armrest in the movie theatre so I could be closer to him
68. How different we were
69. Pretending to be angry when he took bites of my food
70. The way he would squeeze my ass
71. Seeing him happy
72. Having him be my first kiss on New Years
73. The way he would blink in almost every picture we took before dances
74. The butterflies I'd feel in my stomach when I first started liking him
75. How he would console me when I worried too much
76. Knowing I’d see him again but still crying when he’d leave
77. Trying to look pretty for him
78. Valentine's Day, when he gave me Cinnamon Toast Crunch he’d decorated with little hearts
79. Our first date at Chipotle, when he said he was kidnapping me
80. When he would tickle me so much I'd cry
81. The puppy dog face he would make, pretending to be sad
82. When I took him to meet my family at my sister's wedding dinner
83. Making up after a fight
84. How cute he looked in his steel-toed boots
85. Hearing the sound of his car pull up in the gravel driveway
86. Our one-year anniversary
87. How he loved me in sweatpants
88. Trips to Burger King with him
89. How he'd lick my face to gross me out
90. When he was Aladdin
91. When he tried to fix the heating in his Jeep when we started dating so I wouldn't freeze
92. Listening to Angels & Airwaves together
93. Giving Eskimo kisses
94. Looking into his eyes
95. The time he told me he was proud of how I took care of my diabetes
96. The Festival of Lights when we saw the elephants up close
97. Watching Crank
98. Wanting him so badly every day he was gone
99. Never feeling alone
100. Saying "I love you"

After we broke up, I would have these flashes of memories of us, like the time we played the game on the Lucky Charms box (and confused the similar-looking red balloon and heart charms). They weren’t always memories; they could be ordinary habits I had when I was around you, such as putting up the armrest in the theatre, or the simple moments we shared many of, like kissing. Sometimes they would make me cry, sometimes they would make me smile. But they were all the things I took for granted and that I miss terribly now. When the memories began to overwhelm me, I decided to write them all down and, gradually, the list grew longer and longer. I never intended to show this to anyone but when I couldn’t find the right words, I thought maybe I could use this to illustrate how truly sorry I am. I wanted to show you that I see everything that my mistake has cost me. I messed up. And I’m sorry. I’m also sorry that all I have left to give you is a list.

Emily