Absolutely No Moral Fiber

Happy Fourth of July! Oh, who am I kidding? I wasn't really celebrating as I should have been. I wasn't even that happy. Instead I was constantly reminded of him. I found myself thinking of that stupid jerk more than once...which is more often than I'd have liked to. I would suddenly be thinking, It's been exactly two months and one day since I've seen him. I can still see his smiling face as I pulled out of his driveway and essentially out of his life on that day. Or I would remember last Fourth of July, which I spent with him, when he and his friends shot off fireworks in his backyard. It was moronic...they shot off the enormous, commercial fireworks and only stood about ten feet away. I was convinced that someone was going to lose a finger in the whole stupid process.

Although it doesn't appear so, I'm beginning to feel the disconnection between us. Everyday I feel the gap growing a little bit wider. But I'm afraid that my brain is just fooling me. Sometimes everything just hits me in the chest, knocking the wind out of me. I've gone through the periods where I think I'm fine...but it never lasts. Hopefully, I can make it a little bit further. I hate that I want my time, basically my summer, to go by faster when I should be enjoying it. However, I want so desperately for time to heal everything. I sometimes ask myself, Has it really been that long since? It's already July 4th. The last time I saw his face pre-confession was May 3rd. The day I confessed was May 22nd. The day I saw his face post-confession was June 14th. The last time I spoke to him was June 29th. I find myself wanting the days to go by faster...I want more time to stretch between those specific days and the current day. I hate that I'm wasting away counting days...weeks...months...

I think that what makes me a truly bad person, however, is this: I want others to be as unhappy as me. I want to know that I'm not the only person suffering. My best friend recently cheated on her serious boyfriend with our good friend. But she has no intention of telling her boyfriend the truth nor does she plan to break up with him. That shouldn't frustrate and anger me, should it? Yet it does. I find myself secretly wanting her to confess to her boyfriend. However, that would make her as miserable as I am. I don't want that to happen to her honestly...but I hate that the thought has crossed my mind. I don't want to become the type of person who wishes unhappiness upon others because they are suffering themselves. I want to have faith that I'm a good person...but this is really testing my moral fiber.

I guess my worry is whether I have any moral fiber at all. Do I possess any ounce of courage, strength or character...the terms that define "moral fiber"?

I believe I have a bit of courage and strength. The courage to tell the truth...and strength to endure the consequences. But how do I really judge whether I have strength? I see myself as pretty weak in the face of all of this. Crying, begging, desiring with all my heart to have someone I don't deserve. The only sign that I seem to have any strength is that I've stopped crying every single day and I finally have a desire to get out of bed. But is that a result of my own inner strength or is it simply time healing my wounds (and doing all the work) for me? I don't feel responsible for my revival at all. Although I probably wouldn't be considered human if I could easily be strong without giving myself time to feel weak and low. Time to feel like I'm at the bottom and nothing is ever going to get better. Maybe I have to feel that way so I can finally lift myself up when I'm so incredibly fed up with being miserable. But maybe it doesn't come suddenly, it doesn't even come all at once...it's given in gradual doses. I'm not going to wake up one day and realize I'm fine...it will take some more pain before it gets better. Maybe I can account some of the healing I'm doing to my own strength.

As far as whether I possess courage, I feel I might. I can't say that I was brave to tell him the truth because I had no idea it would turn out this way or that it would cause me to feel this. I wasn't being courageous when I confessed. I thought it would lift a weight off of my shoulders, make me feel better. Plus, I was a coward to commit the mistake in the first place. Maybe I still have much bravery to gain...as I have not yet faced him. Maybe once I can conquer that I can claim that I have courage.

I know for certain that I lack character above all. What kind of decent person treats the person they love in such a way? In my defense, I believed that I didn't love him. But that still doesn't give me the right to treat any person, lover or stranger, so awfully. A person with character would not have done what I did. A person with character would have recognized the good thing they had when they had it. Not after it had gone. A person with character would not continue to encourage a relationship with a person they do not return feelings for. Which is what I'm doing...and my sole reason is that I'm lonely. That's bullshit. I should have to wallow in my loneliness and guilt rather than be so easily able to use a person as a crutch. I don't have enough respect for the feelings of others to be considered a good person with character.

But maybe to build moral fiber in yourself, you have to make those huge mistakes so you can learn from them and learn what to do better next time.