Random and choppy is the best I can do

-Auditioned for Women's Glee Club and even after two years without exercising my vocal chords, they offered me a spot! Soprano 2. What what.

-Classes suck. Except for Music 203.05 aka Women's Glee Club.

-It's cold as fuck and I forgot my gloves in the jacket I forgot at home. Genius.

-I can't fall asleep because I took a two-hour nap after class today. It was my first day back in clinical and with a new instructor (she drills us harder than my former clinical instructor, which I appreciate). I had an inexplicably low blood sugar of 38 (think death--I want my blood sugar to be around, like, 100) followed by a blood sugar of 56. So I wasn't allowed to do much in the hospital today. I felt beyond useless.

-After a bad day of being glove-less, useless, and sugar-less, I came home to a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Trevor (picture at the top). It's our six month anniversary today. Instant mood uplifted.

-Because I can't sleep, I decorated my room with photos of my family. For Christmas, Dad divided up his vast collection of pictures between Abby, Seth, Sarah and I. I have photos of Grandpa in his military uniform in 1944, Grandma with friends, Mom's mother Nonny holding baby Sarah, uncles and Dad as little boys, Mom in Italy as a teenager, Mom and Dad at their wedding and tons of pictures of the four of us kids growing up. I put a collage of these random pictures on my dresser under the glass covering and tacked some onto the cork board on my desk.



-Back on Twitter. Not regretting it.

-I love Miike Snow for some reason.

-These next several weeks are filled with lots of Glee Club, sorority recruitment, training sessions to be a leader for MLK Day of Service (more about that later), more recruitment, recruitment workshops, more rehearsals, Belize meetings, and studying. And maybe some living free of commitments and responsibilities. Yeah, right...

Don't Pass Out

It's very rare that I have a day where I truly hate having diabetes. Yeah, it sucks but it's a waste of energy to spend time hating it. However, during my Psychology class yesterday...I really really fucking hated my diabetes.

While my teacher was lecturing, I noticed my hand was shaking a little as I was writing. I hadn't felt it yet but I knew immediately it was a sign my blood sugar was dropping. That's when a mental image of Frosted Flakes popped into my head. Fuck. I suddenly remembered that, in my rush that morning, I had taken five units of insulin but I had forgotten to eat the bowl of cereal. As my worry sunk in, I gradually felt the low blood sugar sinking in, as well. My next thought went to my blood sugar meter...which I had left in my room. Along with my glucose tabs. And my emergency glucagon shot. Double fuck. My wrist was also bare...I had forgotten to wear my medical identification bracelet.

Then I did something incredibly stupid: I just sat there...trying as hard as I could to ignore my low BG. The very last thing I wanted to do was to stand up and call attention to myself in front of 60+ strangers. So I sat silently for over ten minutes, shaking and feeling everything drain out of me (it kind of feels like running 10 miles without having eaten all day). Don't pass out don't pass out, I repeated over and over in my head.

But the panic rising in my chest finally compelled me to ask for help. Reaching my teacher's desk, I asked stupidly, "Is there a vending machine around here?" When she began to explain, however, I blurted out, "I don't have any money." I felt terribly aware of how helpless I was when I admitted at last, "I have a low blood sugar." And with that, tears suddenly began pooling in my eyes. I didn't know this woman I was crying in front of and I didn't know a soul in the entire class...which only intensified my embarrassment and panic.

Pausing the lecture, my teacher led me toward the exit but not before I had to turn to face the entire lecture room, filled with people staring at me curiously. Quickly, my teacher flagged down a Coke and, glancing at my wobbly knees, directed me to sit on a bench in the hallway (Thank God she wasn't one of the people who tries to offer me a stick of chewing gum). For the next ten minutes I gulped down the entire Coke, impatient for the sugar to enter my bloodstream and for my panic to subside. Fortunately, as my blood sugar began returning to normal, my rational thoughts began to return, as well. Why did I sit there for so long? Why didn't I have any sugar with me in the first place? Wow, I'm an idiot.

It just made me so angry that all of my seemingly little mistakes had brought about this awful situation. If only I'd simply remembered to eat my Frosted Flakes. Or to stick my glucose tabs in my backpack. Ugh...I'm not going to let that happen again.