Departure

"There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go."

I like this quote from Tennessee Williams. It gives me a lift. The past several days have been really hard on me. On Thursday, I had my first day of college orientation. It was overwhelming and scary so I kind of freaked out. I began to think seriously about leaving home and making a new group of friends. I've never been afraid of change and I usually have the ability to adjust but that is because I didn't have to face whatever at hand all alone. I became even more aware of my aloneness while I was there. To make matters worse, I had to stay in the residence hall (in a room with the exact same layout) where I had spent many weekends staying in my ex-boyfriend's dorm room (he used to attend the college I'm going to next year). The fact that I couldn't confide in him about my nervousness and anxiety only amplified my misery. The entire college served as this giant reminder of him and I couldn't hide from it. As a result I was not outgoing or particularly open to making friends. I just wanted to go home. Fortunately, I did get to experience some excitement when I chose my schedule in the Pre-Nursing program. I'm looking forward to going back to school to get back to work because the summer has transformed me into a couch potato. I want, I crave, to be busy and distracted. I currently have too much time to dwell on my pain.

On Saturday, I went back to my future college for my sister's 21st birthday party. However, I didn't really allow myself to enjoy it. I seem to have an unconscious desire to be miserable and to make myself feel awful. Once again I closed myself off. I made the mistake of texting my ex-boyfriend, confessing how much I missed him. But, not so surprisingly, he was unsympathetic and unwilling to listen. No matter how even and kind are my words, he destroys every ounce of self-respect and hope I have. I keep fooling myself, thinking that I can warm his hatred this time. Or maybe next time. I think, maybe he won't insult me and hurt me so badly if I say the right thing. But I'll never be able to say the right thing when my words are contradicted by my wrongful actions. His words, on the other hand, make the deepest and most painful cuts. I have to let go of my naive notion that I can fix what's broken between us. He is hurting me back for having hurt him so badly. I can understand his anger but I can't endure it anymore. At one point, at a particularly horrible comment he made, I just lost it because I couldn't stand it anymore; the fact that I had played nice and tried so hard to speak to him maturely while he so happily degraded me, laughing in my pathetic face. So I stopped being nice...I just couldn't anymore...and tried to hurt him back. I remember saying, "Grow up and be a man. Calling me a slut makes you a big tough man doesn't it?" It went back and forth for a while. I couldn't stop myself when I said, "I want to see you so I can punch you in the fucking face." I tried to fight back initially with kindness but that got me no where. So fuck him and fuck this whole attempt at reconciliation. It's all bullshit because he'll never forgive me. I don't know why I even tried.

So I'll listen to Tennessee Williams because it's time for my "departure" from this mess and from the past involving him. It's comforting to know that, although now it seems that there's no "place to go," I'll find my way eventually. I'm still standing. This is not going to kill me no matter how much it hurts.