The Ghost

It is so frustrating to be unable to sort out your feelings. I don't know how I feel. I wish I could organize my thoughts into a sequence that makes sense. But that's not how we were made I think. We don't draw inside the lines and so the colors bleed into each other.

I think the emotion that confuses me the most is love. What does it really feel like it? I think I felt it but it was my first time. How do you know? And why doesn't it hold people together better? I don't want to lose faith in love but I did fall out of it, I think. But now that I've lost it completely, I think I can feel it in the strongest way. I keep seeing things in my head that I want to chase away. Like his smile. That one tiny thing that I rarely took time to appreciate while we were together. Why did this happen? Why did I hurt him? I thought, I told myself, I convinced myself...that I fell out of love. But that doesn't make sense. It doesn't happen in the blink of an eye, does it? That is what hurts me the most. That I could lose hold of the greatest gift ever. That I could throw it away like it didn't matter.

I've been going over it in my head. Over and over and over. It leaves me helpless, powerless, meaningless. Love isn't supposed to do this to a person. I want to wake up and I want it to all go away. All my doubts and fears and sadness. But I still want to keep the lesson I've learned. That feels wrong. You have to make the mistake first so you can learn from it. But I want to take back the mistake. I would be happier if I hadn't made this mistake. I tried to convince myself that what happened wasn't a mistake; that my path was meant to go this way and that I chose for this to happen. I'm so mad at myself now. Maybe I'll be better off and maybe I'll realize that at some point. But right now I want him back more than anything.

It has been so hard not to cry these past few days. I had a crazy nightmare that ours paths crossed (it was very bizarre how it happened in my dream...I was sitting on a bus with tinted windows and he was outside my window riding a bicycle) and it's been tormenting me. In the dream, he looked at me and I could just see in his eyes that he didn't care about me anymore. I just knew it and I felt it. I begged a woman on the bus to tell me whether the windows were tinted or not...maybe he hadn't seen me, maybe I'd made a mistake. Maybe he still cared. Everything hurts when I think of that dream.

Strangely enough our paths did cross in reality. It was the biggest coincidence I could ever imagine. I decided to go for a run in the park yesterday. It was a gorgeous evening with the sun setting in a blue sky and the light flooding through the trees. I love days like those. The reason I run is because it clears my head and allows me to think about anything. Lately I've been thinking about him a lot and when I run, my thoughts just flow without much control. But when I'm clear-headed like that, thoughts of him don't provoke any real sadness or anger. Like I'm just merely seeing something but not reacting to it. Just being an outside observer. That's why running helps me cope.

But anyways, I had just passed the 1.50 mile marker when I turn a corner and...there he was, running toward me. As if my imagination had conjured him. It was like I wanted him so badly that he magically appeared. It was like seeing a ghost. I felt this electric jolt run through my body. I could almost feel the trigger being pulled for a huge rush of adrenaline and I could feel it coursing through my veins, propelling my legs forward to prevent me from collapsing. I could see the initial shock read in his eyes but then he looked down. I don't know what he felt. Probably anger flaring up. I kept running and he kept running in the opposite direction. My legs didn't stop. They couldn't. I still feel that my brain is protecting me from the shock. I just feel numb to it, like it was only a dream.

I hate the nights where I dream we're together again. I open my eyes in the morning and I want to fall right back into that daze. I realize that there are so many things I want. But I have to remind myself that I don't deserve him anymore. I have to keep telling myself that. Keep on telling myself that I'll move on. One day I will.