Open Up

Today, I was reading through my old (and really old) blog posts and I realized that lately I haven't been nearly as narcissistic and open as I once was. A year ago (I can't believe this blog will be a year old on June 10), I would openly talk about my feelings and my personal life even when I was at my lowest, at my most angry, at my most depressed. At times when I probably looked like the worst person in the world or at other times, the most pathetic. But it helped me a lot to have a forum where I could be open and honest with myself.

But in the past few weeks, I haven't even attempted to explain what is going on in my life--the really important, emotional, heavy stuff--and I know a part of that is because a number of people close to me (and not that close) have gotten blogs, and whether or not they read my posts at all, I still feel exposed. And a subsection to the reason behind my lack of openness is that, to be truthful (that's a start), I haven't been on my best behavior. So it's kind of frightening for me to put everything out there. I mean, don't get me wrong, a lot of great things are happening to me, too. But still I hesitate to expand on them.

However, my mind's been so jumbled lately because I haven't been writing honestly and, as a result, I've not been able to make sense of some things. And, for me, writing is the only medium through which I feel I can best express myself. I don't really like talking out loud; writing is so much easier. So here's a start...

I never really explained that Adam and I broke up and, although, it's rough I know it's right.

I never talked about bursting into tears at my kitchen counter while reading about a nine-year-old who was blind from diabetes complications.

I never talked about kissing my best friend up here, or going on a date with him, and yet having no idea how I truly feel.

Or continuing to date (no, I should say, string along) another friend here when I didn't return any feelings for him at all.

Or that I'll probably get a B in Anatomy and I'm okay with that.

Or that I want to get another tattoo down my ribs that says, "Every road is a ray of light," because I don't believe in right or wrong decisions; every decision you make is going to lead you somewhere or teach you something that you'll appreciate in the end.

Or that Jody, whose husband of 42 years, Larry, passed away before my birthday, had said Larry was her soulmate and her words make me want to believe in soulmates so badly.

Or that I saw Up and although I didn't like it as much as the other Disney/Pixar movies, Carl and Russel are my favorite duo in history.

I never talked about having a rekindled crush on a crush from high school.

Or that I'm terrified I'm going to hate being a nurse.

Or that I've had the inexplicable urge recently to do something really crazy. Like sky diving...uh, but a little less crazy. I'm still thinking on it.

Okay, that was a pretty half-assed attempt at being honest and open but I do feel a little relieved. This seems like plenty of openness for today. Maybe later I'll get around to forming some cohesive sentences that go together, rather than throwing out this jumble of random thoughts...I'm just going to post this now.