Great Expectations

Remember Great Expectations? Charles Dickens's book about the life of Pip, a boy born into a low social class who desires to become a wealthy, respected nobleman. During his childhood, he meets the extravagant and contemptuous Miss Havisham and her adopted daughter Estella, who he falls in love with despite her coldness and cruelty. Pip begins his climb toward the upper class with the hope that one day he will be wealthy and distinguished enough to marry Estella.

Trevor claims that when reading Great Expectations in high school, the character Estella reminded him of me as a little girl. I don't believe I was totally Estella-esque but Trevor does have an impeccable memory and he remembers just about every exchange we had as kids...

As the story goes, Trevor moved into my neighborhood when we were ten or eleven years old. He began coming to the community center where my friends and I played after school and he claims that that's when he fell in love with me. But just as quickly, I broke his heart. I was allegedly manipulative and cruel, toying with his feelings. An especially Estella moment: during our brief time as boyfriend and girlfriend, he gave me a reversible ladybug/bumble bee stuffed animal as a gift (he seriously remembers these details) but I soon dumped him for another boy.

Before we entered middle school, Trevor moved away. But he never forgot about me and I never really forgot about him. We saw each other two or three times throughout the middle school and high school years. He kept tabs on me through Facebook and I sometimes clicked on his page to see where he had ended up. I had always wondered why he'd never tried to contact me (he would later tell me that he never had because he could never settle for being "just your friend.")

Last May, on my birthday (which is the day before his own), he wished me a "happy birthday" and suggested that we hang out over summer break. Little did I know, he had finally contacted me after seeing my relationship status on Facebook change to "single."

I didn't think anything of his invitation to hang out and I certainly did not think he was still interested in me after eight years. We finally saw each other again at the end of June. He later admitted that his ten-year-old crush was rekindled that night. And the rest of the story, you already know.

So I guess our story is kind of like Estella and Pip's. Minus the escaped criminal turned secret benefactor and the bat-crazy old lady with the permanent broken heart.

I'm in a weird, reminiscent mood. It happened after Trevor told me he plans to go home for the third weekend in a row. And when I started listening to my "Top 25 Most Played" songs on iTunes.

The songs remind me of last winter and last spring. They bring back these vivid images.

My life was so different last November 1st.

The songs make me miss certain people, regret certain things I did, appreciate other decisions I made.

I need to go to bed.

"Well, keeps life interesting"

I've been meaning to write something on here but this week has been sort of a whirlwind (in a good way). So, here are some random tidbits...

-I just purchased my red scrubs, a purple Classic II S.E. stethoscope, penlight, bandage scissors, clipboard with calculator, reflex hammer, blood pressure cuff, Kelly clamp and EKG calipers for nursing school. I don't even know what the hell those last two items are...but I'm so stoked! Everything is coming together.

-Muscular Dystrophy summer camps nationwide have been canceled due to 11 cases of swine flu in three of the camps. It's really disappointing that I won't get to work there this summer but there's always next year. Really, I'd probably be a million times more disappointed if diabetes summer camp was the one getting canceled.

-I really really like Regina Spektor's new CD, Far. I've listened to "Genius Next Door" ten times already.

-The choir director at our church invited me to sing a solo for an upcoming service. I'm simultaneously terrified and excited. I haven't sung in front of people in over a year. But, if a singer is one of the things I want to be when I grow up, I better start somewhere.

-I love how many different friends I've gotten the chance to hang out with so far this summer. It does, however, make me miss my friends from school.

-Our Chicago road trip plans to visit Katydid are shaping up! Needless to say, it's going to be epic.

-The Resident Home Corporation, where I was planning to work this summer, informed me that they do not have any positions available right now. But they will try to call me when something opens up. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

-Since I'm no longer working at MD camp next week, we're trying to plan a camping trip to Red River Gorge in Kentucky. I can't wait go fishing and hiking and swimming and cabrewing!

-The title of this post comes from a quote from my mom...

"Guess who's coming into town for the week?" I asked her one afternoon earlier this week as we sat at the kitchen table.
"Who?"
I paused, "Adam."
"Well, keeps life interesting," she replied simply.

And I realized that that's all there is to it. Everything that happens to us, whether seemingly bad (like an ex-boyfriend in the military coming into town unexpectedly) or good (like getting drunk off wine in your backyard with some good friends), is keeping us from being bored out of our minds. We're just trying to keep our lives interesting. Otherwise, what's the point?

My life...

As sad, fucked up, crazy, awkward, and weird it can often be...I would never trade it.

I am continually learning from my mistakes and, honestly, I'm enjoying every second of the sometimes painful process. I actually like that, when I think I've got it all figured out, I really haven't got a clue. And I probably never will. I'm learning to live with that.

Right now I'm 19 years old and I feel like I'm enjoying my life as best as I know how. I'm doing the things that I want to do (and still I haven't even skimmed the surface).

I am still incredibly stupid, naive, selfish, immature, and oblivious, but I'm happy. That's all I could want for myself right now.

Lily Allen's "Chinese"

(Ignore the "Chinese" coincidence in my last two posts!)

I see you from the sky
And I wonder how long it will take me to get home
I wait for an hour or so at the carousel
I have a cigarette to pass the time
Cause the traffic's hell

I don't want anything more
Than to see your face when you open the door
You'll make me beans on toast and a nice cup of tea
And we'll get a Chinese and watch TV

Tomorrow we'll take the dog for a walk
And in the afternoon then maybe we'll talk
I'll be exhausted so I'll probably sleep
And we'll get a Chinese and watch TV

You wipe the tears from my eye
And you say that all that it takes is a phone call
I cry at the thought of being alone and then
I wonder how long it will take til I'm home again

I don't want anything more
Than to see your face when you open the door
You'll make me beans on toast and a nice cup of tea
And we'll get a Chinese and watch TV

Tomorrow we'll take the dog for a walk
And in the afternoon then maybe we'll talk
I'll be exhausted so I'll probably sleep
And we'll get a Chinese and watch TV

I know it doesn't seem so fair
But I'll send you a postcard when I get there

-Lily Allen, "Chinese"

Aside from the whole beans on toast thing, this song reminds me so much of Adam and I.

I miss him.

One Sentence

This website encourages you to tell your story - life story, an insignificant story, anything - in one sentence.

A favorite submission:

"When the one-armed Amishman sitting next to me started talking about condoms, I knew it was going to be an interesting train ride."

And one of my own submissions:

"Looking at the picture of my grandfather, I was finally able to blame someone for my double cowlicks."

From my sister Abby

Even some of my closest friends have been totally surprised to discover that I have two more older siblings. The reason being that my half-brother and half-sister are more than a decade older than me - Seth is 28, Abby is almost 30 - and they lived with us only for brief periods of time when I was very young.

Moreover, Abby and Seth had radically (quite literally) different adolescences that my sister Sarah and I could never relate to. Both of them suffered an array of behavioral and mental problems after witnessing a messy divorce between my father and their mother. So, as a result of much of this, we never became very close.

It was never "my sister Abby," it was always "my half-sister Abby."

As I've gotten older, however, that has begun to change. I've been able to connect much more with Abby and Seth in recent years. After I got my tattoo, Abby called to commend me and, since then, we've been e-mailing a couple times a week - which is probably the most we've ever communicated in my entire life. In those e-mails, I've learned so much more about my sister - her thoughts and experiences at the CDC, her advice on college, how my relationship with Adam mirrors her relationship with her husband, etc.

In all, we have come a long way as a family.

This is a recent e-mail I received from Abby that meant a lot to me...

"Okay, this was going to be longer......but I just wrote something nice and long, and then hit the friggin delete key by accident. So you get the abbreviated version now--argh!

Anyway, having just spent about 20 minutes listening to one of my favorite--albeit often gloomy and awesomely sarcastic (I appreciate dry wit--as it's the kind I favor myself!)--co-workers bemoan her possiblilty of being diagnosed with celiac disease, I had ample time (in the private of my head, that is) to marvel at your own comparatively stalwart reaction to diabetes. This woman was certain that being so diagnosed at age 32 was a tragedy, a tragedy! And I'll admit, I had to sympathize--no bakery goods would be hell for me! But she was so morose and pessimistic--so absolutely without hope or resilience--that it put my experience with you in better perspective. I've often heard Dad marvel that you don't bitch about your diabetes, but it takes listening to the bitching of someone with a similiar, life-long chronic condition to underscore how admirable your strength really is."